It’s haaawt here in the PNW this week.

And temps are only rising.

So … I purchased a box fan from Amazon to move cold air from my AC to my bedroom.

Not long after I tore open the package, I was scrutinizing the copy on the box.

It was … terrible:

Anyway, I thought it would be fun to analyze + rewrite this copy for you in an email.

Let’s hop to it.

Original copy:

20" Portable Floor Fan
Hurricane

• Durable Construction

• Polymer Blades

• 2400 CFM/1100 RPM

• Air Velocity 145 M/Min

• 3 Speed Settings

• Compact Design

• 5’ Power Cord

• One Year Warranty

My analysis: So this is pretty bad. Most of these package bullets are features that no consumer would care about. Polymer blades? Air velocity? 3 speed settings? Come on …

But there are a few things I like.

First, the name: “Hurricane.” That’s a great name for a floor fan and is even somewhat intriguing. Though I’d take it a step further. The “Hurricane” Fan.

Other stuff I like: “20” portable floor fan” (I know what I’m getting) and “durable construction.”

Though again, I’d take these a step further.

Here’s how I’d do it instead:

Amazon exclusive ultra-portable floor fan
The “Hurricane” Fan

• Impact-resistant, fully encased polymer construction stands up to abuse

• Built-in flip out legs stabilize fan in any setting: living room, garage, greenhouse

• Unique blade shape scoops + pushes more air to reach 2 or 3 other rooms

• Ultra compact: No part “sticks out.” It can be easily hidden when not in use.

• Whisper quiet … Unlike other fans, motor and blade sound are dampened by design!

This is the copy I’d use on the front of the box and in the marketing copy on Amazon.

Then, I could use the back for the boring specifics that don’t really sell the product … like “3 speed settings,” “5’ power cord,” and “one year warranty.”

So … what’s the difference between what I wrote and the original copy on the box?

I’m sure you’ve figured it out by now. And no, it’s not “benefits.”

The copy I wrote solves problems.

See — box fans are a dime a dozen. But most of them are junk.

And after using this product, I can tell you it is absolutely a superior box fan to the others I purchased. (There’s a lesson here too, if you can spot it.)

But the “new” copy talks about more than just the problems a box fan solves in general.

It talks about the problems that people have probably had with past box fans they’ve purchased.

And by doing that, it elevates the product, drums up intrigue, and swells desire.

Anyways.

If you have a box fan company — or any other cool ecom product — and you need copy for it, I have a limited amount of space available in August to help.

Just email me at david @ stealthiscopy dot com

David Patrick