Why hello there, my minion.

I bet you’re wondering where David went … and why he didn’t send you an email yesterday.

Well guess what?

He’s GONE!

And I’m the new head honcho around here.

You can call me …

NEGA-DAVID!

🔥 MUAHAHAHAHA! 🔥

Now, I realize you’ve been hearing quite a bit from the “real” David lately.

But before you listen to even ONE MORE copywriting tip from that poser, you need to know something.

That man who has been incessantly emailing you every day?

He’s nothing but a fool!

And he knows nothing of how to truly write copy.

In fact, just the other day I was typing up a particularly vile, poisonous “cryptocurrency” offer (on my 1910s-era typewriter, no less) when I got some particular juicy news …

One of my evil henchmen — Cold Email Karl — stumbled into my villainous lair perched high above the City of Portlandia.

The poor beast was drunk, as he usually is. But what he said was magnificent.

He told me that the “real” David was giving out … RESUME WRITING ADVICE?

BAHAHAHAHAHA! 👹

What did I tell you? A fool!

Every good copywriter knows that resumes should be boring, dry, and put hiring managers to sleep so they can catch up on their beauty rest.

After hearing from Cold Email Karl about the vile things “real” David has been teaching you, I decided I needed to take over this email list.

Because every single piece of copywriting advice David has told you is a lie.

A lie!

But never fear ... for I am here to unravel “real” David’s Copywriting Web of Lies. 

Shall we?

…

“Real” copywriting advice says: “Talk about benefits, not features.”

NEGA-DAVID says: “FALSE! Features only! Every copywriter knows that people ONLY buy products because they have A) An Air Velocity of 145 M/Min, B) Offer 3-Speed Settings or C) Give You Priority Chat Support 24/7/365 Access! Next!”

…

“Real” copywriting advice says: “Avoid overused corporate buzzwords.”

NEGA-DAVID says: “FALSE! The only words I EVER use to punch up my copy are the following: Synergize, Utilize, Leverage, Low-Hanging Fruit, Thought-Leader, Key Learnings, and my favorite … “Drink The Kool Aid.”

…

And finally,

“Real” copywriting advice says: “Write with a casual tone.”

NEGA-DAVID says: “FALSE! Write like a robot. At. All. Times. Beep boop. Bop.”

I have no idea how long this nimrod has been teaching you such vile things, but I vow to invade this email list as often as necessary to disprove each and every one of them! 

I hear him coming back to the computer, so I must leave you here …

Until next time, my minion. 

— His Royalty, Nega-David McEvilPatrick Esquire IV 🦹